Eventually Home.

A lot can happen in a year. A year could change the entire course of our life, but so could a single decision. It's easy to see and believe that things are constantly changing...it's a little bit difficult to see and accept that some things aren't.

This summer at camp one day of Bible study highlights the simple truth that it is difficult to remain consistent in our faith when we are submerged in a world that is forever changing. The Bible and the gospel and Christ never change. They are constant, a rock. My heart needs more of that, constant truth. Consistency.

I've said before that this year has been the most difficult in my 22 years of life. And this summer has turned out to be no different. Camp has been different this summer. More challenging spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am breaking down, powerless on my own strength and I have found myself most nights or quiet moments asking the Lord why. Questioning my Savior is not something I frequently do but sometimes you find yourself in a place where all you can do is believe that God is still who He says He is, still good. And then ask Him why this? why still? what now?

Lately I've felt like I am somehow outside of myself watching this mess play out. I haven't felt like myself and I'm starting to believe that it's because I'm not who I used to be anymore. I am changing, growing up and it's really hard to accept.

My Savior means everything to me, He's the only thing that matters but my human heart puts so much weight in things that aren't constant. Less like a rock and more like sand. He has gotten a hold of my desires this summer and I am excited and full of joy for some things that are currently in the making. But in the same way that my heart is changing...there are parts of it, tiny spaces, that won't seem to budge. Ties that are tied in tight knots, entwined and entangled with so many pieces of me.

"there is one body and one Spirit just as you were called to one hope at your calling; one Lord one faith one baptism one God and father of all, who is above all and through all and in all..." Ephesians 4:4-6

you may read this and think how sad or i'm glad i'm not there. but i would go through this a million times before i would ignore what i want, who i am and why i'm here. how dry it must be to never question, search or mourn. what if you wake up one day and realize you've missed out, you've missed it