weakness.

crying, confrontation, transparency...these are not signs of weakness. i am not weak because i feel and want. i am not weak because i don't want to let go or give up.

walking away because that's easier than staying is weakness. building a wall you can't climb over is weak. pretending is weak. familiarity and solidarity are weak. always taking and never staying is weak.

i am tired of weakness.

keep calm & read more

I have proposed a reading challenge of sorts to myself. I have researched and collaborated several lists of "books you should read in your 20s." I have come up with a fairly unique list and will continue to add to it until I end up with at least 20 books to read in my 20s. Now, clearly I will end up reading more than 20 books in the next 6 and a halfish years of my life. But, I want to be well read and even though some of these books don't sound like something I would pick off the shelf...they have, for some reason, proven themselves among the world of book bloggers and critics. My list is tilted toward female readers, in my searching I mixed coed 20s lists with lists for 20 something women. Here is a look at my list so far...

1. The perks of being a wallflower by Steven Chbosky
2. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
3. firefly lane by Kristin Hannah
4. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
5. The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson
6. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
7. She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
8. Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld
9. The Girls by Lori Lansens
10. On The Road by Jack Kerouac
11. The Fault in our Stars by John Green

At this point in time, I have already read and reread #1, I have finished reading #2 and number #11. I am currently reading #3. I love fiction. I love to get lost in a story and I think words are a beautifully undefinable way to communicate emotion.

I want more, pour it out.

Learning to trust is a lesson that I don't really think ever ends. I have more confidence in Christ now than ever before but there are still areas of my life that I haven't given up complete control over. Its as if my grip was so tight for so long that even the Lord's repetitive faithfulness and grace can't loosen the hold completely. I know His plan was(is) better but it's still so difficult to be wrong. "if only you had given me more time to work it out" "I just wish things could have been different." etc, etc. I look at the blessings in my life right now and can't possibly figure out how I got here, with these relationships, these passions and without so many things I thought I needed. This post doesn't really have a point or purpose other than to type what's on my heart and be a testament as always to the worthy God I serve.

perspective.

days like today are a humbling reminder of my complete inability to do life on my own. it's strange how a seemingly average Saturday brought me back to the reality that i am completely at the mercy of my Heavenly Father. i was unusually (because i am well medicated) anxious and on edge today for a reason that i could not come up with. when i finally mentioned it to my mom this evening at dinner, her response was simply, "i know, i can tell." if there is nothing that triggered this stressful day, i am simply left with the reality that my human body is flawed and even though i get relief from medication, God is still Sovereign. and it seems that sometimes He just desires to remind us how much we need Him. days like today are somewhat of a refresher course on what it feels like to lean on the Lord.

I loved you at your darkest.

i haven't updated this blog since the end of my birth month. October 2012 was perfect in so many ways, definitely a blessing from my provisional Savior. when i look back on this year, i can hardly believe that all of it fit into one consecutive calendar year. 2012 was full of happy highs and some of the lowest lows i've ever experienced. i learned how to make grown up decisions when all i wanted to do was be brave and spontaneous. i found that sometimes lessons are learned through the process instead of the outcome and that all of it, every choice made, email sent and dollar spent has a purpose.

2012:
-i was a college basketball cheerleader...
-i lived in an awesome old house with 6 other women
-i chaperoned my first middle school dance
-hosted my first bridal shower (but certainly not my last)
-i met Matt Thiesen
-i made a commitment to International Missions
-i graduated college with honors and without debt
-i got my first tattoo
-i drove to the Gulf Coast and lived there for 2 months
-worked my 3rd summer for FugeCamps
-became an Aunt (for the second time)
-moved back in with my parents
-became a kick ass substitute teacher
-got my SC teaching certificate in the mail
-got a passport
-i voted in my second Presidential Election
-became a vegetarian (expect for Chick-fil-a and bacon)
-i lost 22 pounds
-started wearing reading glasses
- and i turned 23

this year my Jesus continually reminded me that He hasn't given up on me yet and He never will. i learned that you can live with a broken heart and still manage to love others. i experienced depression and desperation. 2012 was a fight. i am thankful for it but am thrilled for this new year and everything it already holds. change is good and hard.

"but God demonstrates His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

always a reason to sing.

here is a brief update: to make a long story short, a TON of decisions have been made, changed and then changed again in the past few months. the Lord has taken me for a ride this year and i fully believe that He has been drawing me nearer every step of the way. sometimes it's not about the end result or what you do for the Lord that He's after. sometimes He just wants your heart. sometimes all it takes is for you to be WILLING and READY to drop everything and follow His call. i have now gone through 3 phases of being willing, ready and on my way only to find that the path has changed yet again.

many of you know that I was accepted to go on the World Race earlier this year. i invested time, prayer and money into this commitment before the Lord graciously nudged my shoulder and turned me in a different direction. i will tell you that one major obstacle for the WR was some of my medication. i was asked to come off of my anti-depressants before embarking on the race. my mind and my heart were ready for this challenge but regardless of what i desired, my body was just simply not ready for that. i tried and found myself in a very low place that i desperately needed to get out of...phase two was a connection i felt to a ministry called the Door of Hope in S.Africa. I have been corresponding with a precious woman in this ministry since the end of July. i shared my heart, my history, my strengths and weaknesses and all of who i am with these people. ultimately they asked me to come live with them for awhile and serve in one of the Baby houses. after much prayer and consideration i again decided that what i desired was not necessarily the best decision for my mental and emotional well being. working with DOH is still an option for the future and i will continue to keep in touch with them.

in God's perfect timing i have been given the opportunity to travel to S.Africa and visit the DOH with a group of FUGE staffers! (God willing) it will be my first time traveling internationally (with several former team members :) ) and i will finally get to put faces with "email" names and personalities. we will travel to Johannesburg the last week of March and i am just thrilled. among a long list of things i have learned this year and ways that i have grown spiritually, the Lord has been so gracious to physically show me His faithfulness through answered prayers and always opening another door.

we simply (but not really simple) have to learn to TRUST. He really is faithful and He really will keep His promises. the Lord has started a good work in you and in me and He WILL finish it. He will get all the glory. that's stuff you can count on guys.

be encouraged! we always, always, ALWAYS have a reason to sing!

just today.

sometimes there are days when you just have to rethink everything. plans are never permanent. the Lord tells us to trust so many times in the Bible for a reason. my stubborn heart likes step by step procedures and desired outcomes. my flesh desires consistency and affirmation. i just want to be obedient. blehhhhh....(outburst) i am just so thankful that lately it has been easier to remember how incredibly blessed i am. Jesus says that i am worthwhile and i believe him.

heres to unexpected life lessons, learned in a 5th grade Social Studies Class.